#my shipper heart was distracted by being broken during that scene when i first watched it

[allisoooon]

Klaus, Addiction, and CodeBendency Part Four | The Dependent: It’s About Isolation, Not Addiction

This is the crux of it—Klaus’ character arc is not really about his addiction.  Even his addiction isn’t really about his addiction. No one’s is.  It’s another piece of baggage, but it’s a piece of baggage the addict takes on in response to pain.  Something I previously said was that Klaus has chosen the master he can bear. The other masters, the fear, shame, and memories of his father, that’s all something he’s still running from.  His addiction is a reaction.  And even though he relapsed, he has made tremendous strides in terms of what his character arc is really about.  It’s the thing that’s been found to have the single biggest effect on addiction and sobriety: isolation.

Just look at where he is in the beginning of season one versus the end of season two.  At the beginning of season one, Klaus is terrified of his powers and of the dead, but slowly begins to realize that in terms of his fear, the only way out is through.  More importantly, though, the devil-may-care attitude toward his family changes after he meets Dave and learns that he can, in fact, be loved. The episode of his return, he begins to really bond with his siblings, starting with Diego.  At the start of season two, he has been sober for three years, suggesting he has found ways to cope if he hasn’t overcome his fear altogether. In season one, even at the end of it, he’s resistant to the attempts the others make to get him involved and volunteers for practically nothing.  At the end of season two, he is the first to choose to go with Vanya to the farm to help Harlan even though there’s no clear use for his power there.  His usual excuse that his power is “useless” doesn’t stop him—he goes because he doesn’t want Vanya to face the situation alone. That’s a massive difference of attitude. And it’s that change of attitude that makes me feel like he is still making progress against his addiction because he is finally reaching out to his support network and thinking beyond himself.  He still has a long-ass way to go, having not even touched his very pervasive post-traumatic stress from both his childhood and the Vietnam war, and I suspect he’ll be struggling with his grief for Ben for some time, but you know what?  A start’s a start.  And I wasn’t ready for Klaus’ issues to all get solved in two seasons.

All of this progress has been made, and I think it’s a mistake to overlook it strictly because we’re seeing Ben and Klaus’ relationship closer-up than before.  I don’t think Klaus is more of an asshole this season.  He was an asshole last season, too.  Two things are different this season: he endures less new trauma so we feel less sorry for him, and we’re being shown more instances of how unhealthy his relationship with Ben really is.  Klaus gets the blame for the latter because, and I will go into greater detail on this in the next post, codependents are seen as selfless and good by society’s standards while addicts are seen as losers and bad people.  Yes, Klaus is shitty to Ben sometimes, but the reverse is true as well.  People just see Ben’s actions differently because they are motivated by another person, as if that alone makes them good actions.  Klaus has made a lot of progress.  He wasn’t featured quite as prominently as he was in season one, but that doesn’t make him less complex, nor does it mean his arc this season was unimportant.  To the contrary, his relapse and the loss of Ben will change a lot going forward, as will his closer relationships with his other siblings.

Speaking as an extroverted child of a dysfunctional family, fans also need to reconsider the idea that it’s only Klaus’ siblings who are maintaining the distance between them.  Klaus is an escapist.  Talking too much to his family invites too many serious conversations.  When they do talk, he maintains distance the way extroverts tend to—by talking their ear off about anything but the serious thing, distraction, redirection, and, if necessary, making the other person uncomfortable.  If we’re good at it, we can push people away by coming toward them.  He relishes attention and company—demands it, even—but it took a nigh-on Herculean effort for Diego to even get him to admit anything was wrong after he came back from Vietnam.  It took less for him to open up to Allison in the second season, showing, perhaps, some character development.  In both cases, Klaus’ siblings rewarded him with comfort and companionship.  This is so reflective of the loved ones of many an addict.  Any number of them have this fantasy of the addict coming to them for help and them being able to be there for them and be a comfort and help them get sober.  The reality is that addicts use substances and/or behaviors so they don’t have to deal with the thing their loved one wants them to talk about.  Klaus is no different.

It’s no coincidence that the inciting factor of the relapse was a social one--the diner incident with Dave. Remember Dave is the entire reason Klaus stopped settling for a life he floated through half-aware, too numb to care about no one caring about him.  Dave taught him he is capable of being loved for who he is.  In the years since he lost him, I think Klaus has sugar-coated Dave’s memory in a lot of ways, forgotten he was a human and not some angelic ideal incapable of dealing harm for bad reasons.  Being hit by him and seeing Dave take on a shade of his own abusive father was devastating for Klaus.  He knew, logically, that that’s not the sort of man Dave really is, that the pressures of being gay in the 1960’s (in Texas of all places) got to him, but the fact is, Klaus will always remember it.  The image of the love of his life so carefully kept in his heart is now tainted by the feeling of having his lip split open by him.  In a lot of ways, Dave became lost to him in that moment in a way he hadn’t been before, only increasing the feeling of isolation.  It would have been enough to lead to him deciding to drink again, with or without the CPTSD and comorbid emotional dysregulation.

But even what came before that day at the diner had an effect on Klaus’ isolation.  He left his cult.  It was an unhealthy behavior and it hardly brought out the best in him, but it was a stopgap measure for the howling loneliness.  None of his relationships there had any meaning, but he wasn’t walled up in an apartment somewhere, bored out of his mind and alone with his own thoughts.

So Klaus was a dry drunk at the start of the season.  He couldn’t deal with his own self-loathing sober, so he first reached out for other peoples’ esteem instead of building his own self-esteem.  He opened up to Diego (a little) in the first season after it being dragged from him.  It was easier when Allison asked him why he relapsed, and then in the salon, he didn’t even need to be prompted in order to open up to his sisters.  He’s getting better at this with practice!  And it does take practice.

That’s what makes sobriety stick.

Next up: The Codependent!

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[incorrigible-groupie]

Wow, this analysis of the last episode of Helluva Boss went way further that I wanted…

« Blitzo is in love with Stolas !!! »

What.

Hell no.

No no no no.

Did we watch the same show ?

Even since the pilot we know the « relationship » between them is an arrangement more than a love story. I mean, Blitzo doesn’t swoon about Stolas, doesn’t think about Stolas and only talks about Stolas when he remembers he needs the book, he freaking spent some time with him only because he was paid (you know… when he went to Loo Loo Land ?). He shows more compassion towards Moxxie (while treating him like sh*t) than towards Stolas, for Satan’s sake he went to the Harvest Moon Festival only because Millie’s family was there.

Did you see Blitzo’s face when Striker aimed at Stolas ? And then the F*CKING TERROR ON HIS FACE WHEN STRIKER AIMED AT MOXXIE ??? Blitzo was ready to tear an arm appart with his own teeth. But for Stolas ? Meh.

So no, Blitzo isn’t in love with Stolas.

And episode 6 proved that.

DISCLAIMER : The following post is nothing against Stolitz shippers obviously, especially because both characters are great and badass but I really think their feelings aren't synchronized and therefore their relationship isn't completely healthy. They could have a nice one... but not yet. And most importantly, the hallucination scene isn’t about Stolas. Let me explain why I believe that.

« Did you see the golden feathers that put Blitzo back to himself ? »

Oh you mean the golden feathers that turned into chains and that Stolas took to bring Blitzo to his feet ?

Yeah, I saw them.

Of course I saw them.

This is exactly what I expected how Blitzo sees his « relationship » with Stolas, this is exactly the thing that proves that I was right all along.

Blitzo doesn’t love Stolas, he is only with him because he has to.

And with what happened before the stair scene, I know now why.

Blitzo feels like trash, still feels like trash, maybe because of his older relationships, probably because he is from the lowest of the low (working in a circus, then a little bit higher when dating a pop star…).

Did we watch the same show ?

The show that talks a lot about inequality between castes, the show that talks a lot about how difficult it was for Blitzo to make his own company, made from scratch ???

Striker, IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE, made an entire statement about how Blitzo is underestimated and Blitzo felt it. He was very close to accept to go with him… but he needed to protect his « easiest lanky ticket to Earth ».

Stolas is just a tool for Blitzo to get what he wants. At first, I thought it was because he is searching for something in Earth (and uses the missions as a distraction). But now, I think it’s about something more important : power. Stolas’ feathers have nothing to do with his « transformation », it just shows that Blitzo wears a mask, a costume, a cleaner suit to pretend he isn’t like trash, that he wasn’t trash, that he will not go back to trash.

Whatever it takes.

« Yeah but the figures that are fanning Stolas in such a caring way… »

You mean more like slaves ?

Again, castes, stairs, chains, fanning ? You see a metaphor of love, I see a metaphor of slavery. That’s really disturbing. This is a representation of how Blitzo feels towards Stolas and gosh I’m so worried about him, and them. This is about power.

« But he is climbing towards him ! He wants him ! »

No. He doesn’t want to go to Stolas. He wants to climb those stairs. He wants to go higher. He wants to stay away from the trash. This is about power.

« But the chains… »

I hate those chains.

This is about power.

This is about power.

THIS IS ABOUT POWER.

« No. I think this is about fear. I think he fears to be rejected, so he bound himself to someone, but he also fears of commitment… »

…

Fears of commitment ?

Blitzo ?

What the hell ?

Are we talking about the boss who is not afraid to show (not say, but SHOW) how deeply he cares about his employees ? Are we talking about the demon who adopted Loona and says to everyone that he loves his daughter ? Are we talking about the Blitzo who shares his passions everywhere even on Instagram ? You think someone who is afraid to be rejected would be afraid to commit ? He knows how to express his feelings, he even lies to make the ones he loves happy (yes, I’m talking about Moxxie’s taste in music, duh).

And he does talk about his relationship with Stolas, but do you remember how he calls it ? A transaction.

The book in exchange of passionate fornication.

Nothing more, nothing less.

When people says that Stolas is his boyfriend, Blitzo denies it because he doesn’t want to be seen as just a lover, just a partner, he doesn’t want to have an image of a demon who had success because he is lucky an higher being felt in love with him.

No.

He planned that.

He organized that. He slept with Stolas to stole the book, he still sleeps with Stolas FOR the book.

That demon has ambition that is not related to love.

« Have you even listened to what Blitzo’s subconscience said ? »

… Actually no, not really.

I’m sorry.

English isn’t my native language so it was harder than usual to understand ‘Moxxie’ gibberish (also, I was tripping balls listening to Brandon Rogers playing everyone voices).

I started this all post while not considering what was said, I only listened to my guts which twisted while watching Blitzo being chained because of Stolas.

I’m sorry. I may be wrong…

… But I never believed Blitzo loved Stolas and I won’t start now.

So how can I explain how what is showed and what is saying are related ?

Maybe because Blitzo is scared to be put on a pedestal in his friends minds whereas what he is doing with Stolas isn’t completely right. But he must do it for a reason. Like I said, that demon has ambition.

This is about power.

I think Blitzo has a goal in mind (which he wasn’t able to obtain alone, like Robot Beetlejuice said), a goal he will gain by sacrificing the respect his friends have for him.

You know… whatever it takes.

I think he knows he will disappoint them so he wants to enjoy his remaining time with them while not getting too close to them so the fall won’t be that hard.

« So you agree ? Blitzo is in love with Stolas but can’t make it real. »

Still no.

For all the reason I said before, Blitzo doesn’t seem attached to Stolas. It’s not that he hates him but he doesn’t really care that much.

« Or he pretends he doesn’t care, after all Moxxie said… »

Yes.

Moxxie.

Wait a second.

It started with Moxxie. 

This entire scene isn’t about Stolas and Blitzo relationship, it’s about Blitzo and Moxxie.

« I’m torturing you in your own hallucination. »

(Yep, I have access to the dialogues, you can’t stop me now.)

You are right, it shows Blitzo’s fear : his fear not be a good friend to Moxxie. How could he ? His past relationships were garbage, even recently he hired someone how wasn’t trustworthy, and he’s currently having an affair with someone he doesn’t really like.

I said earlier that the golden feathers put Blitzo into a clean costume, a disguise no one is supposed to see through.

Except that Moxxie does.

Moxxie knew all along that Blitzo is only pretending, Moxxie is more hurt when Blitzo isn’t honest with him than when Blitzo says awful comments to him. 

Moxxie sees Blitzo with the broken heart on Blitzo’s forehead, exactly like how Blitzo sees himself.

Do they talk to each other while tripping ? Do they listen to each other ? Do they only hear what they want to hear ?

Because their thoughts are way too synchronized (Moxxie talking about how Blitzo pushes everyone away, Blitzo being at the top of some stairs…).

Maybe they do talk to each other and then have their own perception of this conversation in their minds :

Blitzo feeling it like accusations that burn his skin like golden feathers who shut him up and chain him and blind him so he will have to abandon everything he is and loves to obtain his goal, Moxxie believing it like their relationship can go higher and evolve and be fine and equal finally.

OH, AND THERE’S SOMETHING MORE : I know there is a theory about Moxxie being a fallen royalty and I think this episode showed that if it’s true, Blitzo knows, with how in his hallucination Moxxie eloquently talked and then transformed into a princess while climbing the stairs (without needing Stolas’ feathers).

Maybe that’s also why Blitzo doesn’t think he is worthy to be friend with Moxxie. And why he is angry at him : because he is jealous, Moxxie gave up everything Blitzo wanted for unknown reason (but probably for Millie, why annoys Blitzo even more not to mention that while Moxxie gave up power for an healthy relationship, Blitzo is craving for power by using an unhealthy one).

« Okay, let’s say that the hallucinations were about Moxxie and Blitzo. But… But THE KISS ! »

Oh yeah the kiss, let’s talk about that !

When Stolas goes to kiss Blitzo, our favorite demon pulls the king’s hair so it won’t happen and… Gosh he doesn’t want to be kissed by Stolas, does he ? I’m sorry but, no, this doesn’t feel right. I may not be an expert about romance but… what ?

This is about power.

Blitzo doesn’t hate having sex with Stolas, I mean, he thinks the role-plays are weird but he goes with it, and I think that’s because during the role-play he is always the one who dominates the other.

Just like with the kiss. The kiss happened only because Blitzo made it so.

It makes sense, those role-plays : Blitzo wants to forget he isn’t the one with power (which is why he made that sad face when he sees Stolas on his throne or when Stolas saves them because he is so strong and Blitzo maybe feel sad that he isn’t strong enough to protect his group, that he still needs the help of someone he knows will ask for compensation after ?), and Stolas wants to forget he is the one with power (and forget that his favorite imp probably doesn’t love him back so he lets him do whatever he wants to do to him and maybe he will fell in love ?).

Anyway.

I feel… No, I’m sure this all dream sequence is more about the power people have on Blitzo.

And power shouldn’t have something to do with love.

Maybe one day Stolas and Blitzo will put aside their differences, the huge gap between them, maybe they will realize that their ranks have a big impact on their relationship and THEN have a real, romantic, healthy one.

But for now seeing Stolas and Blitzo together is heartbreaking for me because one of them feels forced while the other is completely in love.

[tinkdw]

The future - and it is showing us this loud and clear

This episode was amazing. After flailing and basically shouting all day I am so happy and so excited that I joined tumblr - the quality of posts today has been excellent, both humorous and inciteful and I LOVE YOU ALL :)

I hope its ok I’m going to tag a few great posts in this to reference as I don't want to go over stuff other people have already meta-d about so excellently!

This episode, titled the future, seems to me to be Dabb basically telling us what he wants for the next part of the show, the “better way” that he wants to take it.

So here are my main bullet points that I will expand on a little below and link those excellent posts to where relevant:

A. Sam 

Sam is clearly portrayed again, recurrently as the researcher, the “brains” of the operation (before you say ‘Dean is so clever though!’ I’m just pointing out Sam’s love of the scholarly side of things and how this is where he fits). Sam’s endgame must now be to head up the MoL/hunter network in this respect.

B. Sam and Dean 

They work so well as a team here, Sam putting a tracker in Cas’s phone while he’s distracted by Dean, researching v whatever Dean was doing (maybe making a pining mixtape along the lines of “all by myself” and “I miss you” “please come home”, BUT they are shown as different people, with different interests, skills and relationships - with Cas for example, & not codependent. Again hammering this home in this episode. THANK YOU DABB, GLYNN & BERENS.

C. THE RECURRING AND CONSISTENT NARRATIVE OF DESTIEL.

This whole episode is one big love fest. We went from one ‘wow I can't believe they just did that!’ to the next to the next with hardly enough time for us to catch out breath! WHAT WAS THIS EPISODE?!

OK, so we have :

1. My Romeo & Juliet / Gaze up Trope Balcony Meta.

2. The Mixtape Meta, another EXPLICIT romantic trope by @drsilverfish.

3. The Dean “keep it” parallels, the first one that came to my mind was Arwen (another human+ / eternal being who decided to relinquish immortality couple):

Aragon: this belongs to you. Arwen: keep it, it was a gift… it is mine to give to whom I will, like my heart.

But also all the other ‘gift’ tropes, the standard romantic trope that when a couple breaks up you return the gifts.... I think Cas wasn’t sure he was going to be forgiven, after Dean’s outburst in the war room, so he goes to return the cassette, but Dean does forgive him nearly instantaneously, which actually makes it even worse that he has to steal the colt straight after...

5. The difference between Sastiel and Destiel again emphasised, more and more this season. I don't think I even have to detail this, just, basically the whole episode shows this.

6. This magnificent gifset by @magnificent-winged-beast which shows the difference between Dean’s angst at actually watching the colt get destroyed and the potential killing of Cas...

Slight aside - Performing!Dean. 

This magnificent gifset that shows Dean’s facade coming down, he doesn't even attempt to make it sound less ‘gay’ when he tells Sam that Cas came to his room, played him and took the colt from his secret hiding place under his pillow, he even looks down before he says it like he KNOWS how it is going to sound but says it anyway. 

source: @yourfavoritedirector.

And Sam doesn't even flinch. YES THANK YOU DABB, GLYNN & BERENS!

4. SO...WHY is Dean still doing everything he did for Cas during this episode and still defending him to Sam even though he appeared pissed and Cas repeatedly betrayed him?

Well, in 12x12 Cas said “I love you”, clearly understood by Dean (and Sam to be directed at Dean). There was no real reciprocation though from Dean, other than Dean family-zoning him and Sam’s fantastic “we are doing this for you, Cas”. 

So regarding Dean, Cas is hurt and believes it isn't reciprocated. Now Dean is pissed and still using the WE card at every turn, so what is a celestial being to do? Cas assumes this is the end, that there is no hope, he returns the mixed tape. BUT Dean says no keep it, this is NOT the end. 

Cas understands that this is therefore not the end, but it is complicated. He explains that he wanted to “come back with a win for you.... for myself”. He wants this for Dean and for himself, this is very important, everything he is doing now and in the future is NOT all about Dean, there is his own agency and morality involved here too.

For Cas, when it comes to it, he wants this reciprocation of his love of course, but right now he has bigger fish to fry and really he wants to protect Sam and Dean and save the world. 

Now, going back to the “what the hell is wrong with you man?” followed by an awkward silence.... and where Cas then goes to return the gift. Yes, Cas feels that he has said his piece in 12x12 and is rebuffed, but meanwhile Dean is struggling with what Cas has said and everything else that is going on. He has a lot on his plate, not only Cas but his own personal history, his deep seated issues that he is clearly working on this season (see all the performing!Dean facade crumbling meta going around), his issues around his mother, the BMoL, Lucifer, the nephilim.... I mean that is a lot for an emotionally healthy person let a lone DEAN WINCHESTER.

Dean is trying to say / show how he feels he’s just rubbish at it, but he's getting better!

“We?” “Yes dumbass, WE.” This is his forgiveness. And it is betrayed just moments later. But does this stop him trusting Cas again? NO.

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. For their dynamic, to show that they still do ultimately trust each other.

EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING DEAN STILL DEFENDS CAS TO SAM!

Oh, and I just need to add how desperate I am for Sam to turn to Dean soon and just say “No, Dean, this is between you and Cas, stop bringing me into this”. PLEASE I SWEAR I WILL BE GOOD! I mean, how repeated, consistent and out of place it was (I mean, not only to shippers, I think anyone would think it was out of place the way it was portrayed in their personal conversation in Dean’s room) - this has got to be addressed, no?!

 5. A better way

So. What does this mean moving forwards?

Well, firstly, I have moved from being 85% sure Destiel would be endgame to about 95% sure. Lets be real. This episode cements this. Whether you like it or not, it’s happening.

So, what is the better way?

Overall, it seems that Dabb wants to move things forwards. And his key points all season are Free Will, breaking from past repressions and negative influences, moving forwards with what the characters choose and want for their endgame and for sure now endgame Destiel.

I have in the past speculated about quite a lot of stuff, some right and some... still to be seen and some not right, but the overall arc speculation that I saw foreshadowed since early season 12 is RIGHT ON TRACK.

Now, the question is will Dabb go backwards and go to the old, standard SPN ways where probably Dean and Cas will be separated, Cas will be wrong again in his trust in the nephilim - it WILL be evil (rehash of s6 and s8) and he will need to be ‘broken’ from the mind control by Dean in a stronger crypt scene etc etc etc.

Or will he move forwards, onto a “better way”? Will we get another s11 ‘happy ending’? Where it appears all good but there is still stuff going on behind the scenes for s13... Or maybe a not so happy ending but that ultimately will be resolved happily? 

Maybe the baby has it’s grace removed (so glad this is an option it was driving me insane that they hadn't mentioned it by now!) OR it’s not evil at all! it’s the ANTI-anti-Christ, it chose Cas because he is Lucifer’s mirror in that he LOVES Humanity. I mean, the whole point of the show is agency, free will and not being forced to follow the result of your parentage / past ....especially this season with Sam and Dean’s arcs....

Maybe human!Cas, potential hunter Daddies, Cas staying at home calling Dean while he's out on MOTW hunts with Sam being all “Dean there’s poop everywhere, I’m sorry it got on your favourite shirt, but please please come home this is so hard!” “OK babe, don't worry, we’ll be back tomorrow, the case was a milk run!” when actually Dean nearly died and Sammy saved the day and.... etc because really? what are we supposed to think from that motel scene? With Cas smiling all cute and using the world “righteous” when talking about the kids future guardian?! (and Kelly survives if we are going to be extra nice).

Maybe Lucifer will die / be dealt with and it is the MoL that are the big bad next year.....aiding the overall future arc of TFW as leaders of the MoL/Hunter collaboration (Chuck I hope so).

Or will it be a mix of the two?

Well my money is on that it will be a mix....  

DABB IS SHOWING US THE FUTURE Y’ALL. AND THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT.